All the Feels

It’s impossible to truly understand a feeling you haven’t experienced. To grasp its full effect, see its magnitude and depth, appreciate its ability to overtake your most basic functions. A feeling can be described with the most perfect combination of words one could possibly string together, but until you feel it yourself, words are all it amounts to. It can be broken down and analyzed piece by piece, yet the sum of the parts never adds up to the whole.

Hardly a better place to contemplate life than a serene Wisconsin lake

This phenomenon was never something I fully grasped until this week. Until I was there myself. Thrown heartfirst into that ugly world of rejection and sorrow. They say to love is to open yourself up to someone on the deepest levels. To allow access behind doors that normally stay locked, doors that most might not even know exist. And this access comes with the inherent ability to inflict pain at those levels.

Pain that cuts deep, turns your world upside down, isolates you. Makes you feel like you’re floating, untethered to anything solid or real anymore. Makes you physically sick to your stomach. Crowds out everything else and demands your full attention.

This feeling has been described to me in the past, I may have even been close to it myself. Touched its fringes and briefly glimpsed the cold emptiness of its interior. But I’ve never been through it. Never been deep enough in its caverns that I couldn’t quickly find my way back out, instead forced to slog straight through and blindly stumble around looking for the path to the other side.

No, I’ve generally been on the inflicting end of this unfortunate injury we exact on each other. That’s an ugly place as well, but it doesn’t hold a candle to being on the receiving end. And I finally appreciate that with an understanding only those who have been through it can know.

A sunset over Lake Mendota is sure to make the feelings come

I’ve caused this heartache more times than I care to admit, but there’s one instance that will forever be carved into my memory and my existence. Four years ago I picked up the life of a girl I’d loved more than anyone, and flipped it upside down. It was ugly, and it wasn’t a time I’m proud of, but it was what I had to do.

So to that girl I hurt so much: You’ll probably never read this, but I still need to say it – I get it now. I’m sure I can still only begin to understand what I put you through, but at least I’ve felt those feelings. I know now what you tried so hard to convey. The helplessness, the physical sickness, the anxiety, the pain, the desire to be comforted by the one person in the world you can no longer turn to. I understand it, and I’m sorry. I’ve said sorry before, but I don’t think it means as much as when you fully understand and appreciate what you’re apologizing for.

You said you wouldn’t wish this feeling upon anyone in the world, yet you couldn’t get rid of that nauseating hope that I would go through it one day so I knew what you felt. Well, I have. I’m sure it wasn’t as intense, as deep, or as overpowering as what I put you through, but at least I’ve felt it firsthand.

Sunrise over the the Land of the Rising Sun, Mt. Fuji

It’s an unfortunate byproduct of love, one that far too many people experience. But it shouldn’t take anything away from the greatness of the feelings that led to the pain. And while this may be different for everyone, I say the downsides of being hurt are well worth the incredible, indescribable feelings of joy and happiness that precede it.

So if this is the price to pay for opening yourself up and sharing your soul with someone you truly love, I’ll still say yes every time.

The open road, who knows where